why negative birth stories stick - and how to shift the narrative

If you’re pregnant, you’ve probably noticed that negative birth stories seem to find you—whether from family, friends, or even well-meaning strangers. It’s as if people can’t help but share their scariest, most difficult experiences. 

The Power of Negativity Bias

Our brains are wired to pay more attention to negative experiences than positive ones—a psychological phenomenon called negativity bias. And difficult or traumatic experiences often require external processing.

People who have had challenging births may feel a deep need to share their stories to seek validation, make sense of their experience, or even warn others so they can be "more prepared." And that’s completely valid and necessary—but the audience matters. Sharing traumatic birth stories with someone currently preparing for birth can unintentionally spread fear rather than education.

Why Positive Stories Matter (And Why We Hear Them Less)

It’s not just that negative stories feel stronger—it actually takes multiple positive experiences to offset a single negative one. Research on relationships (often credited to Dr. John Gottman) suggests a 5:1 ratio—meaning we need about five positive interactions to balance out just one negative one.

Now, apply this to birth stories. If you hear one difficult birth story, your brain holds onto it tightly. But even if you hear one positive birth story, it may not carry the same weight. You need to actively seek out more positive, empowering narratives to counterbalance the fear that negativity bias amplifies.

And a the thing is, positive birth stories don’t always get told as often. When someone has a birth that goes smoothly or feels empowering, they may not feel the same urgency to process it externally. But that doesn’t mean those stories aren’t out there.

Surround Yourself with Encouraging Birth Narratives

If you’re preparing for birth, you don’t have to absorb every birth story that comes your way. Here’s how to shift the narrative:

• Set boundaries around the stories you take in. It’s okay to say, “I’d love to hear your story after I give birth, but right now I’m focusing on positive perspectives.”

• Seek out balanced and empowering birth stories through books (check out Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth), podcasts (like The Birth Hour), and birth classes that focus on confidence and informed decision-making (such as Hypnobirthing).

• Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. Spend time with those who leave you feeling supported and confident in your journey.

The stories we hear shape our expectations. You deserve to hear stories that leave you feeling strong, prepared, and supported.