Miscarriage Story

In December I joined the club no one wants to be a part of. Trigger warning, this article is all about my six week miscarriage. I have a completely newfound empathy for women who have experienced miscarriage, and I learned so much about miscarriage through my own experience. So, I’ll tell you about it. 

I was six weeks 3 days pregnant when I started bleeding. I had just come home from two postpartum meetings with clients and shared the pregnancy news with them. I had been cramping on and off for the past week, and some worry had crossed my mind but it wasn’t all consuming. This wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but I was excited. When I first found out I was pregnant and told my husband, we were confused and a bit stressed, but quickly started talking about “do you think it’s a boy or a girl” and other exciting family dynamics. 

I can’t believe I only knew I was pregnant for about two weeks, it felt like a month. In that time I had a few pregnancy symptoms pop up, but nothing too crazy - I lost my appetite, my boobs started changing (already!), and my gag reflex kicked in when I was brushing my teeth. I had a bit of a sense of unease that I hadn’t started to feel more nauseous or fatigued yet, but still felt like it was early, and from my previous two pregnancies, I would be feeling the worst of that from weeks 8 - 10, but still expected to be feeling a little more at six weeks. 

During my fifth week of pregnancy, I had a wild week on the doula front - five births in one week. It felt CRAZY and I had  my doula friends on back up (I did need to call in backup for one family as two of the labors overlapped). My mantra during the week was “we got this”, speaking to myself and this baby. But relative to the business of the week, I was able to catch up on sleep and was feeling pretty good. The timing of these births felt like a sign, because now I’d be off call for the rest of the month, when I was expecting my first trimester pregnancy symptoms to be at their worst. I think it was divine timing, but not in the way I expected.

When I started bleeding I called a few friends who have been there to confide and seek comfort in - it was so so great to have these people throughout the whole experience. I had a strong feeling like I didn’t want to leave the house/my emotional safety bubble until this experience was over - one way or another. However, I decided to go in and speak to a nurse and discuss my options around testing that can be done to gather information about what is going on with my body. I was in this weird limbo-land where the bleeding could just be nothing and the pregnancy will continue as normal or…it could be the start of a miscarriage. Walking around in public to get to these appointments, I felt like I should be wearing a sign “I might be having a miscarriage”, I didn’t want to have to live in this experience alone. 

After speaking with the nurse I opted to do hCG testing and an ultrasound to gather information. For the hCG testing, you need to do two blood draws 48 hrs apart to determine if your hCG is increasing, plateauing, or decreasing. A decrease indicates a miscarriage. So on Tuesday I went in to speak to the nurse and had my blood drawn for the first hCG test. 

Sitting in the waiting room of the OBGYN/Midwife office awaiting uncertain news while bleeding is not fun, but I also admired the joy of the families that were there far along in their pregnancies. I also scheduled an ultrasound with an MFM who was able to get me in the following day. I sat with the very uncomfortable unknown throughout the day and went to bed early to help pass the time more quickly. Ironically my 4 year old wanted to sleep in our bed that night and I was tightly sandwich-cuddled between him and my husband the entire night - it was just what I needed. 

Wednesday I went to the MFM. I sat in the waiting room for almost an hour while they tried to squeeze me in. I had a mild headache, a symptom that could be a pregnancy or miscarriage symptom. I wondered about the other women that were in there and not visibly pregnant. Were they getting good news or bad news today? Were they nervous? They all seemed to be…collected. I scrolled on my phone (reddit) while I waited - Gus was with me for the first 45 minutes but then had to leave for work, so he wasn’t going to be there for the ultrasound. They called me back and I did the whole undress from the waist down thing. I could feel myself bleeding on the paper covering the chair under me while I waited for the tech and MFM. I told them I wasn’t feeling optimistic based on my bleeding - I’d call it more than spotting but less than my typical period. They did the ultrasound - there they were! There wasn’t a traceable heartbeat, but there was a visible flicker, which they said was cardiac activity. The baby was measuring smaller than my calculated gestation, 5w3d compared to 6w4d. More of the same, “Could be nothing, could be something”. The second hCG results would give us more info. 

I drove home, at this point it’s been 48 hours since this all started and I’ve been alternating between optimism and dismay every few hours. Again I went home, went to bed early, this time it was my 1.5 year old who was having a hard time sleeping on their own, so she slept in our bed, exactly what I needed. 

Thursday was my complete disassociation / numb scrolling day. I left the house to go do my second blood draw for hCG, but other than that I was pretty much in bed in the fetal position scrolling reddit and napping. Thank you Gus for taking care of everything else. Looking back I think I was feeling so much (or little) because my body felt different and started speaking the truth. I didn’t gag on my toothbrush when I brushed my teeth that morning. I ate eggs with literally no egg-ick or nausea for breakfast and my appetite was returning. I was feeling less and less pregnant. But still, I wasn’t going to throw in the towel on this baby’s viability until I had more information to back that up.

Friday morning I got the results, my hCG was declining. I was 0% surprised but still, a bummer. It felt almost…validating(?) to get that news after the signs I’d seen in my body. I messaged the nurse through the patient portal inquiring what was next, how long do we wait to give my body time to finish this miscarriage? And then back to bed I went, I watched some Somebody, Somewhere and fell asleep. 

The nurse got back to me, up to 8 weeks for expectant management. What?! My heart sank. This process has already been longer than I thought it would be...weeks?! EIGHT weeks?! I wasn’t sure I was going to wait that long but I was willing to see how the next two weeks went and reassess from there. And I came to terms with the fact that I may have to leave my house and resume daily life activities and responsibilities while I wait. 

It didn’t take that long though. Two days later, on Sunday, I passed the sac. Almost immediately after, I felt a huge spiritual/emotional shift. I really felt like I wasn’t pregnant anymore and I was ready to move forward. I felt okay about resuming life activities, leaving the house and being in public. 

I went back in for an ultrasound the following Tuesday, to confirm that I was indeed not pregnant anymore. And yes, it was confirmed. There was no longer the sac and the baby that had been there the week before. This was validating of the whole shift in my spirit after passing the sac - validating of the connection that was there, to the baby, my pregnancy, and my body. I came home and had a grieving beer. 

I kept bleeding for another 2 days, so 11 days in total. And that was it. At least, that was the end of the physical miscarriage. I’m still processing, and I’m sure feelings will come and go - there is still a due date ahead where there will be no baby. We’ll see what the future has in store for my family. In the meantime, I’ll be riding the highs and lows of life with two littles.

Overall, the miscarriage was not what I expected. Not only in that it happened, but the experience of it. I hadn’t considered that there could be days (or weeks!) of limbo, not knowing if your pregnancy is going to continue or not. I had previously thought miscarriage meant heavy bleeding over a short (day or two?) period of time, I bled for 11 days and it was consistently a bit lighter than my typical period. I anticipated intense cramping, and was even scared when I started bleeding that I wasn’t in the right headspace to cope with the pain I was anticipating, but it never escalated beyond what I would describe as mild (I never even felt like I needed a heat pack). 

I’m so grateful for the women that I spoke with that week and in the weeks following. I have no words for what that support meant to me, just to know that I was not alone. If you ever need someone to talk to through an experience like this, please don’t hesitate to reach out. 

I don’t want anyone to be scared of loss at the beginning of their pregnancy - myself or anyone else. I am grateful that I spent the two weeks we had together being optimistic and daydreaming about the future. I’m grateful for my perspective, my trust in my body, my two babies at home, and my old therapist who when I got pregnant with my first five years ago said “our bodies’ wisdom is amazing” when I expressed anxiety over the thought of miscarriage. I’m grateful that for what it was, it played out without much medical intervention, I got to see my baby with a beating heat via ultrasound, and I ultimately got to meet that baby when I passed the sac.

I’m sure this experience will linger in my mind and play a part of future pregnancies, if that is to happen.